Friends Along the Way

Why is it that right as I lay my head down to sleep, I am flooded with millions of random thoughts? The same thing happens to me when I get in the shower, the most brilliant things come to me and there I am soaking wet in the shower with no paper and pen to write them down.

Tonight, I'm not writing because I have anything brilliant to say. I am writing to write so that perhaps afterwards, I'll feel purged enough to sleep.

I've been thinking about friends a lot lately, so I'll see how this topic rides out....

I've had a lot of friends in my life. I've lost a lot of friends in my life starting from the very beginning. There was this Vietnamese girl, Gina that I was best friends with in grade school. We weren't very popular and she was quiet and I wasn't. It was the perfect "opposites attract" story. I was devastated when she changed schools in the fourth grade. We tried to stay in touch by organizing sleep-overs. But when I stayed at her house, her very reserved parents decided that they didn't like me and said we couldn't be friends anymore. I didn't replace her with a new best friend until late in the 6th grade.

As I'm writing this, I am realizing that I've always been the kind of person to have one BEST friend at a time.

Then Jessica came along... We hated each other at first and then the group of girls she hung with turned on her and we became inseparable. Until we went into Jr. High and everything was about being popular. I was only ever popular because everyone knew who the weird girl was... Jessica and I went through Jr. High together as best friends, but she wanted to branch out and soon made a persona for herself and other friends to go with it.

Then one night, I was talking to my boyfriend's friend Big Jake. We talked for hours and in no time, he loved me. When loving me didn't work, he became my best friend. And he still is my old-reliable, faithful best friend. He's the one I tell almost everything to, the one that listens and the one I know will always call and always care no matter what, cause that's who I will always be to him.

I've made dozens more friends along the way that have been close to me. Only a few really remain. I've burned a lot of bridges. Some I wish I could mend and don't know how and others are better left in ashes. There are friends I meet and know I could let myself love more, if only I didn't have to move away again have more people to miss dearly. There are friends I associate with only because of my military lifestyle. We'd never be interested in knowing each other and being friends if we met outside of this military circumstance. But we are friends just the same because we don't know when me might need each other, a friendship based on necessity.

There's this saying that I read at the bottom of someones chain e-mail the other day... It said that Life is too short for drama and petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive easily. The part about forgiving easily has stuck with me the past couple of days as I have thought about friends and the burned bridges. If I would have easily forgiven some of my friends, would I be the push-over that they are still taking advantage of, or would I just have another friend now to further enrich my life?

What if people had forgiven me easier? What about the friends I've lost because I've been an asshole on an occasion or two? Or the ones who didn't stay in the cart for my crazy roller coaster years when I was doing dumb shit... What if I hadn't done all that dumb shit? I'd probably have more friends.

It all boils down to feeling lonely a lot lately. Ultimately, my husband is one of my best friends. But I feel like I should keep him separate from that category because I expect him to fulfill so many other areas of my life, as a lover and provider. I can't expect him to be able to fulfill me completely in terms of friendship. If all we needed as people was one mate to do it all, nobody would have any friends!

So here I am at 2:30 a.m. typing this out of my brain so I can sleep. I am here in Italy and feeling isolated. I am not without the capability of making new friends. And I have. More military friends out of necessity. I'm the type of person that lays it all out on the table. When I meet someone new, I tell them about how I grew up so that they will understand why I am the person I am. Most of the time, they are the kind of people who absolutely cannot relate because they grew up as good kids with good families. Then I get all weird and wonder why I bothered sharing all my crap with someone who could never comprehend the things I've gone through. I start to feel like they are the sort of people that I could easily offend. Then I bale. I judge them for being "nice people" who will only judge me.

Nothing is the same as the company of a friend who knows you through and through, accepts you, and loves you for who you are. And no phone does their companionship justice....