On a Positive Note... (sort of)

I thought I was going to have more to say over the last few days while my other half has been training. Whenever he's gone, my schedule changes and I stay up really late and get all philosophical and deep within myself until I become depressed and lonely and I get all crazy. Even when he's here, I fixate on things. I hold on to things that have gone unresolved. I envy men for being able to forget and let go of things with more ease than women...

I've been on one of those fixation tangents lately. A couple of kids I knew from elementary school became high school sweethearts and got married recently. I keep seeing all of their wedding photos and from my outsider's perspective, they really have a perfect story. They have known each other for a long time and still, they waited to get married. They both finished college first. The guy asked her father's permission before proposing and when he did propose, he made a great effort to make sure she would be surprised and that it would be special, and it was... The wedding was as expected, she had so many friends and family all around her. People that really love and care for them... And now, they have all the time in the world to be newlyweds, all in love and able to explore it and share it for a while before they have kids.

Sigh.... Seeing their photos and coming across their blogs has made me remember how disappointed I have become with my own life. I seem to struggle with this a lot... I can have all the stuff in the world. Money, clothes and all my material things don't make up for the love and support of good family relationships...

Nobody threw me a baby shower when I was pregnant. Most all of my friends are guys and my parents were too screwed up at the time...

I don't have a proposal story. Not one that I care to share with anyone, anyway...

I've never even had a ring that really fit my finger....

My wedding was at a court house. It was a good day, but it doesn't compare to what it would feel like if my family wasn't all torn apart. If they were all around me, supporting me and my marriage. But there was an awkwardness about it because certain family members dare not speak to others...

What if I did have a real wedding? I think about it sometimes. And when I try to picture it, I can't for the life of me think of anyone I could ask to be a bridesmaid. I move so much, it's hard to keep friendships nourished. I don't have a girlfriend that I feel close enough to ask. It would have to be my one faithful guy friend up there next to me. (which, I would love)

Basically, I compare my life to other people's lives. I have come up with this ideal in my mind of what it should be like, what I long to have... But my life has been anything but conventional. I haven't always had the same opportunities as everyone else. I really have got to stop dwelling on it! For better or worse, this is my life and the more I compare it to other's, the more I think I set myself up for disappointment. These tribulations have shaped my character and made me as tough as I am.

So I'm choosing to be happy lately. I think there is a lot of choice involved with being happy. It's a mindset, you either decide to be happy or decide to be dumpy and miserable. I chose the former of the two. I guess I'll have to figure out how to overcome these things I can't seem to get over....